My Eighty-first Birthday—May 23, 2022

Hard to believe it has been eighty-one years or that Martha and I have been married for sixty years. However, the proof is in the mirror, and I keep wondering what happened to the guy in the 1958 and 1962 photographs. The extraordinary thing is that time accelerates as you get older. It moved so slowly in the beginning. We were in a hurry to grow up, but it took so damn long. It was amazing how much we could accomplish or get done in an hour, a day, a week, or a month.

But with age, time speeds up and we accomplish less and less in each day, each week, or each month—of course, there is less that needs to be accomplished. At eighty-one—the children are grown as are their children, the house is full, the closets are full, the drawers are full, the trees are full grown, the landscapers keep the lawn, etc. etc.

It is time to enjoy the fruits of those earlier years when time moved slower, and I moved faster! Now I finally have time to write. That is something I really enjoy. And since retiring from business life, I have published nine books. I just wish it didn’t take me so damn long to write them. I keep wondering if I’m getting slower—then I remember. It isn’t me; time has just gotten faster!

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 All of my books are available from Barnes & Noble and Books-A-Million as well as your favorite neighborhood bookstore. Ebook and print editions are also available on Amazon, Google Play, Apple iBooks,  Smashwords, and other online bookstores. Audio editions are available on Amazon, iTunes and directly from Audible.com. The latest book, Exploring Asheville, was the winner of the Independent Press Award for its literary category.

Old Guy Disease

I have not posted in a while, and you may have wondered why. It seems I’m suffering from an episode of “Old Guy Disease.” Old Guy Disease” or “OGD” is one of those things that flares up periodically shutting you down. Hopefully one manages to work through the episode sometime with the help of doctors, physical therapy or just with pure grit. However, ODG never goes away. It only goes into remission until the next occurrence of OGD slaps you down again. Eventually, however, cumulative episodes of Old Guy Disease can develop into a full blown case of “Get off my Lawn Disease”. That’s when our neighbors begin describing us as the grouchy old man next door.

As for my Old Guy Episode, I was minding my own business. I did not fall. I did not pick up something heavy. I certainly did not get a kitten. I did nothing to deserve my OGD unless it was 80 years of exposure to gravity. On September 6th I got a pain in my left leg. It was uncomfortable but no big deal. It started, as Forrest Gump would say, in the buttocks and migrated to the inter thigh. It did not stay that way, unfortunately. Day by day, the pain, and electric like shock, migrated further and further down the leg. And the intensity of the pain increased, until, by the 26th of September, I was in a wheelchair. On the scale of 1 to 10, my degree of pain was an eleven. There was no relief—no position gave me any relief. Sleep was out of the question.

The problem was not, and is not, in my legs, but in my back! An MRI on October 13 disclosed that nerve roots in the spine (L3/4 and L4/5) were being compressed. The brain was interpreting the signals (screams) from the smashed nerves as pain in the legs. That pain was compounded by leg muscles tightening into nots in response to more brain messages telling the muscles that they needed to step up and protect the legs

I had an epidural on October 4th and started physical therapy on October 11th. These have made a difference, but the OGD episode is not over! The pain is less but still there. Each therapy session seems be a step toward healing. And I plan another epidural soon. Surgery appears out of the question—too big, and too dangerous and, if I did survive, recovery would be too difficult. Hopefully with medication, physical therapy, and epidurals I can make it to remission and avoid full blown “Stay Out of my Lawn” condition.

I’m not the only one with OGD. I recently heard that D. C. Altenbern suffered an OGD episode that put him in the hospital for several days. The way I heard it, it all started with a new cat—a kitten. That, in and of itself, is enough to bring on an OGD flare up. People over a certain age should never get a kitten or a puppy—never, never, never. Grand-Kittens and grand-puppy are allowed as long as the visit is a short one. At any rate, back to the story; the kitten gets lose from its cage in the middle of the night. Altenbern reliving his youth gives chase. He trips over the rug he had forgotten about. Forgetting is another Old Guy Disease symptom. [Author’s note: The rug was rolled up to prevent the kitten from thinking it was just the place to relieve itself.]

The trip on the rug sent Altenbern flying. Unfortunately, as he sailed through the air like the man on the flying trapeze the banister to the stairs was in his flight path. He landed headfirst nearly taking out the newel post—lights out (Luckily, he was wearing pajamas)! When he eventually came around regaining consciousness (blood everywhere from his head wound) he did what every married man throughout the ages has done in such situations—He yelled for his wife! And of course, as always, she took care of everything. I understand he is back home, recovered from his concussion. The house has been repaired, and hopefully the Altenberns have given the kitten away (but probably not). 

Sample Story from Applewood Manor

My series, Stories from Applewood Manor, is now available on ApplewoodManor.com.

These are ultra-short stories written for the Applewood Manor. They include pieces about the historic inn and its Montford neighborhood, things to do in and around Asheville, moments and people in the city’s history, ghost stories, and tall tales. To sample a selection from the “Tall Tales” category, click on the rocking chair figure or go to https://www.applewoodmanor.com/stories/chimney-rock-gold.

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For signed copies of books by Tom Collins, go to TomCollinsAuthor.com. Unsigned print and eBook editions are available on Amazon, Google Play, Apple iBooks, Barnes & Noble, Smashwords, and other online bookstores. Audio editions are available on Amazon, iTunes and directly from Audible.com. Be sure to check out the latest Tom Collins Novel, Beyond Visual Range on Amazon.
Published by I-65 North, Inc.