The word from Asheville is “Finished”—the final nail has been driven; the final brush of paint has been stroked. Applewood Manor’s porches, including my favorite, the Rocking Chair Porch, have been fully restored for the enjoyment of guest. Part 5 of my Stories from Applewood Manor is titled Tall Tales from Applewood’s Rocking Chair Porch. It includes stories like The Hearing Test below:
I was back on the Rocking Chair Porch at Applewood Manor after a wonderful breakfast and a morning nap. It was one of those perfect shirt sleeve days you get in the fall. There was four of us—me, Willie Underwood, Doc Thomason, and someone from New York, who along with his wife, was spending the weekend at Applewood. His wife was off shopping, and he didn’t have anything better to do than join us on the Rocking Chair Porch.
Willie was showing us his new six-hundred-dollar hearing aids. He was telling us how much money he saved since the ones his doctor had proposed were over $3,000. After a few minutes of hearing aid discussion, Doc said all the talk reminded him of a patient of his. His name was Gary Simpson and he had what he called a winery on Black Mountain. Gary Simpson, he said, was one of those men who was never in doubt even when he was dead wrong about something. Doc explained that Gary’s lumbago was acting up and he wanted something for the pain. Doc prescribed some anti-inflammatory and muscle relaxers. With the lumbago taken care of, Simpson told the doctor that he and his wife seem to be having a communication problem and he wondered if his wife was losing her hearing. Doc went on to explain how he gave him instructions for testing her hearing. Then Doc did what he always does to us. He gets our interest up and then just stops like he is at the end of the story. Doc leaned back in his rocker playing with an unlit cigar in his mouth. Finally, I said, “Come on, Doc, what’s the rest of the dang story?”
The Doc said, “Well, about a week later, Simpson was back in my office. I figured he just wanted more muscle relaxers, but I was mighty anxious to find out about the hearing problem. So, I asked him how the testing of his wife’s hearing had gone. And this is what he explained to me exactly as he told it:
“That’s why I’m here, Doc. I found out the problem alright! I did exactly what you told me to do. I was standing in the doorway to the kitchen and Mary Jane was across the room with her back to me standing in front of our stove. So, I called out to her. ‘Mary Jane what are we having for dinner?’ There was no reaction.
So, I crossed over to the center of the kitchen and I called out to her again. ‘Mary Jane, what’s for dinner?’ Still, there was no reaction. She continued doing whatever she was doing at the old stove.
I took two more big steps toward her and called out for the third time. But it was the same. She kept doing whatever she was doing.
So, I got up even closer. I was not more than eight feet away and I called out to her. This time I kicked it up a little louder and practically yelled, ‘Mary Jane, what’s for dinner?’
This time she bolted straight up, snapped around to face me, and put those hands of hers on her hips like she does when she is really irritated at me. And do you know what she said to me, Doc? “
She said, “You darn fool. I done told you three times, I’m cooking this chicken for dinner!”
Doc had this big smile on his face as he leaned back in his rocker and said to ceiling, “Yep, old Gary Simpson found out the problem with Mary Jane’s hearing alright!”
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The historic Applewood Manor (Circa 1912) is Asheville North Carolina’s
premier luxury bed and breakfast style boutique hotel.
For signed copies of Stories from Applewood Manor, that explores Asheville, North Carolina’s History, Mysteries, Ghosts, and Tall Tales, as well as other books by Tom Collins, go to TomCollinsAuthor.com. Unsigned print and eBook editions are available on Amazon, Google Play, Apple iBooks, Barnes & Noble, Smashwords, and other online bookstores. Audio editions are available on Amazon, iTunes and directly from Audible.com.
Published by I-65 North, Inc.